checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
