I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
