I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
