Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
