i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Who died my cat blue again?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
