you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
