im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
