Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
