U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
why do cheetos always look like penises
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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