if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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