I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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