I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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