Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
