If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Don't EVER smell your tampon
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
