Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
