I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
