Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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