Your face is a jimmy john
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
