I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
