sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
