Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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