why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
