Pants 0. Shit 1.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
