if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we made out on top of his cat.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
