I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
