i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
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On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
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Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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