You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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