Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
