when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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