Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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