My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
