When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
