And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize