Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
