Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I checked into jail on foursquare
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
