wrigley field is MILF paradise
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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