so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
