dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Alive.
So much puke
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
