Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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