oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
farters have to be the big spoon...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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