You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
