Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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