I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
