My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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