Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
