By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
