I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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