is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
