I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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