Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.