24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
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