tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
