She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
