I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
someone owes me an orgasm
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize