Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
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I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
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We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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