So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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