Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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