I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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