Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I think your dad took our porno
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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