i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
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i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
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After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize