Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
