My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
