Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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