I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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